Children, Bless Them...

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A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up,

like the pastor said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

.................................................................................................

After a church service on Sunday morning,

a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,

"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,

than to sit and listen."

..................................................................................................

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes,

as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
.................................................................................................

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
...............................................................................................

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
.................................................................................................

Ms.Terri asked her Sunday School class

to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,

so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,

"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.

But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

Cheers, Bobj.

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>
> Subject: The Prognosis from the AMA.
>
>
> The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services
>
> The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the
>
> Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
>
> The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
>
> Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.
>
> The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.
>
> Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.
>
> Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
>
> Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
>
> The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the
>
> Radiologists could see right through them.
>
> The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
> the whole thing.
>
> The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.
>
> The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
>
> Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
>
> The Podiatrists thought it was a step backwards, but the
>
> Urologists were off at the whole idea.
>
> The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the
>
> Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
>
> In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
> in parliament!
>
Cheers, Bobj.

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A Pair Of Wellies...

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the
children put on his "Wellie boot's"?

He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still
didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the
"Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's"
off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said,
"They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mum made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the "Wellie's" on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Cheers, Bobj.

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Want your kids to grow up right? Follow this guideline!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Cheers, Bobj.

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Exams again...



Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."

- The parts of speech are lungs and air.

- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

- In Spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

- A person should take a bath once in the Summer, not so often in the Winter.

Cheers, Bobj.

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Kids and proverbs...



A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.